guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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