I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
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