In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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