She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
