what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
How does it feel to date your dad?
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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