I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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