if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
whose ass print is on the piano?
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
