There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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