moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
