I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Randomize
