we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
