Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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