come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
My vagina just recognized that song.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
