You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
