If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
