my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
