How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
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