i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
