ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
