I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
