I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
