yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
True college students do jello shots in the library
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize