I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
