I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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