i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
