Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
