Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
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