The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Randomize
