I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
