3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
