so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Randomize
