alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
