Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
