The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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