Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
