Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
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