i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
