What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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