is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Terrible idea I love it
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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