He disabled his match.com account in front of me
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Randomize
