jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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