I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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