I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
