I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
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