My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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