I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Randomize
