i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
