so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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