I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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