2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
