My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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