Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
