i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Randomize
