There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
