she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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