Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
