I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
the gays at disneyland are vicious
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
