My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
