Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize