Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I think your dad took our porno
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
