I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
