im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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