The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
