i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
