You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
