you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
