I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
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