I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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