Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
