I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
