I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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