I think I died a long time ago.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
