if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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