mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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