Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Randomize
